Prequel: If Beer Was…

If Brewdog Was…

They Live

This past weekend, a reincarnated ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper took a trip up to Aberdeen, Scotland.

 

 

On the way there he was given some sunglasses which caused strange things to be seen when he tried them on…

 

 

 

He then found his way to a meeting of, well he didn’t know what to make of it…

 

 

 

He snapped at the gathering…

 

 

The more loyal members of the fan club became enraged and went on the attack…

 

And sadly Roddy and his morals were no more…

The moral of the story is, you never know what you are buying in to…

…or who you are drinking a beer with…

 

Thanks for reading…

 

 

 

 

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Day 12 – #12BeersofXmas 2016

Day 12 – #12BeersofXmas 2016

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Brewery – Torrside

Location – New Mills, High Peak, Derbyshire

The Drink: With Strange Aeons

ABV: 10% – 330mL

Style: Imperial Stout

Additional info: Gyle: 47 (a – parti-gyle), Bottled 25/11/16, BBE, 18/05/22, Artwork by Emma Sidwell, Suitable for those who shouldn’t be handling the new plastic £5 notes.

One of the many insults that stuck with my from watching Red Dwarf as a child was the word Goyt, when I venture around New Mills that one of the rivers around that area shares the name always brings a childish chuckle to my cockles.

Another thing that I ponder while drinking this Lovecraft named beer is – is ‘The Thing That Should Not Be’ the worst song on ‘Master of Puppets’ by Metallica, answer in the comments?

No head, little carbonation but do you want them with an imperial stout, answers in the comments?

Pours thick and black and leaves an alcoholic haze when swirled in the glass, to the nose and taste buds it is sweet dark chocolate and lightly roasted coffee, a smooth and silky mouth feel with a warming after taste, perfect to have by the fire at Christmas time, or next to the radiator in February.

Brought to you by…

 

 

Thanks for reading.

If Beer Was…

JAWS

jaws

 

 

 

Beer in the shape of a Great White Shark (Carcharodon carcharias) descends on the small, seaside town of Amity bringing confusion and panic to the locals.

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The local chief of police, Brody, does not know what to make of this new arrival, after years of complacency all of this just crept up on him.  He is aware that this force of nature can be harnessed but at the same time is also a massive threat to his way of life and to the status quo.

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Unsure of how to tackle this new foe he enlists the help of two men.  The first is the salt-of-the-earth Quint.

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Quint has been dealing with the tribulations brought on by sharks for decades.  Battle-hardened, wistful and with a lifetime of experience he can sometimes come across as a little insane and immovably stuck in his ways.

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Obsessed with taming sharks only by the use of barrels.

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Quint could possibly be accused being a bit too casual about sharks.

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The second man to come to Chief Brody’s aid is the quiet and university educated Hooper.

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Possessing a wealth of knowledge gleamed mainly from books Hooper is a man who is initially intimidated by Quint and is therefore prone to antagonistic behaviour.

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Which can sometimes be excused given how the locals of Amity seem blissfully unaware that different types of shark exist.  In trying to explain he realises he really isn’t going to convince everyone that he knows more than most regular, as he would call them, bozos.

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And later, when he find just how irrational Quint sometimes behaves, never listening to reason and ploughing on regardless.

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However Quint and Hooper do bond slightly when they realise that they each have something to bring to the table given their past dealings with sharks.

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Brody, the outcast between the yin-yang of Hooper and Quint’s knowledge of sharks seems more concerned about gas and always wanting things to be bigger.

 

 

For the sake of everything, these three men come together to try and get a grip on the shark and after some effective use of barrels it appears the three men may be victorious.  But the exertion of it all is too much and via a stray gas cylinder, Quint meets his fate in the jaws of the shark.

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Hooper, after one trick too many also appears to succumb leaving only Chief Brody left to do battle, which he eventually succeeds at, using another gas cylinder.

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As Brody surveys the scene of victory, of a shark tamed, he is startled then relived to see Hooper did in fact survive, and as they lament the passing of Quint they had back to the shore.

But as the credits roll it is not the two survivors but the rough and ready Quint, with his history evoking stories that linger in the memory.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

A word about the sequels:

Jaws 2: Something original always has inferior follow ups.

Jaws 3-D: The painful exploitation of that latest techniques and styles that quickly outstays its welcome.

Jaws, The Revenge: Horrible cash-in that only swells the coffers of a small few.

Brewing For A Beauty & A Beast

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This is the second Five Towns collaboration for the 2016 Independent Salford Beer Festival, the first one (The Secret Life Of Arabica) can be found here

I was supposed to help with that one, having suffered through being clean sober and getting to bed early on Friday 19th February I was woken, not by my alarm, set for 4am, but by a phone-call from Jim at 5am wondering where I was.  Having enjoyed my time at Five Towns for Art Decade – the 1st collaboration for the 2015 festival it pained me to miss out but the time had passed and it just wasn’t meant to be.  I drowned my sorrows on the Saturday night having cursed my alarm clock the whole day, then I went to bed.

My alarm clock went off at 4am Sunday morning.

Said alarm clock now makes up land-fill somewhere.

 

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Luckily a second collaboration was planned and I wasn’t going to miss it this time.  Memories of Leigh (Centurions, rugby league) losing to Bradford as we drove home after the Art Decade brew day were minimised by it being such a great day.  2016, with Leigh already promoted to Super League a couple of week prior meant that this brew day saw September out in style.

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Standard brewery hose porn.

Mash On…

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Not porridge, you don’t eat porridge on brew days in Wakefield you eat:

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Bacon, sausage and egg barms from across the road, followed by a chippy dinner from next door.

 

Sparge…

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The bittering hops were Centennial, the aroma from further hop addition of Centennial and Kazbek (Mohawk style).

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Given that this man spent a good 5 minutes inhaling ever hop addition with a satisfied glaze over his eyes…which was not due to the early start, long day (and night in his case) and 12 cups of coffee…it is amazing any timings were kept, like Gollum and the ring.

 

wp_20160924_016Adjuncts to this beer in the boil were Kaffir Lime Leaves, dried orange peel and soured orange peel.  An addition of dried lemon peel will be added at the fermenting stage, along with copious amounts of fresh oranges, lemons and limes.

 

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From porridge to curry.

 

Yeast is US05 if you are interested and after all that it should give us an IPA of about 8.5-9%

2016 is the year of many deaths of popular musicians, namely David Bowie and the name of the beer “Beauty & the Beast,” is the title of the opening track off his 1977 album “Heroes.”

There is some suggestion that this could be black & tanned with the aforementioned Secret Life…and given that that beer is named after the closing song on the same album it would be a fitting tribute and also to the final Independent Salford Beer Festival.

A review of the inaugural (2014) event

A review of the 2015 event

 

Beerilingus

Subtitle: FellALEtio – What’s In a Cloudy Beer?

Taking care of beer (even cask beer) is not a massively difficult job, assuming that those in charge of cellars are also in charge of the most rudimentary functionings of common sense.

On a recent escapade to that there London it can’t have been remiss of those on twitter that I made a rather large deal about cloudy beers.  It could be suggested that being a Northerner we are led like a bull with a ring through the nose by other Northern beer bloggers that London can’t keep or serve cask beer properly, and for the sake of argument they also seem to struggle in brewing it (or at least conditioning it) properly too.

Whether the fault of getting a cloudy pint does indeed either lie with the brewery conditioning tactics (yes, yes, it isn’t just exclusive to London), with either a lack of training or more worryingly a lack of care during cellaring is moot in the realms of this piece.

I personally know from serving beer that I will give a warning that a beer is “hazy” – a more socially acceptable phrase for describing beer that isn’t as bright as a (insert your own simile) but isn’t that cloudy to look at.

You can try to explain about chill haze, hop haze and throw in words like clarity and turbidity and things being unfiltered, or you can just go for the tried and tested fob-off “its supposed to be like that”, and with the rise of hop-bomb fruit juices masquerading as beer it’s getting harder to justify the condition a beer (cask or keg) appears to be in.

My point is, why bother?

A cursory search of the interwebs didn’t bring up any list to described the clarity of beer and after a few random discussions in person and on twitter I settled on this:

Bright

Clear

Hazy

Cloudy

Murky

Sludge

Of course I could whack these words into a thesaurus and come up with a different set of words that would also give a witty acronym that would fit in with this piece…but I’m lazy and just want to publish this nonsense.

Point being, we may well eat/drink with out eyes first but we’ve got four (well you mortals have) other senses to discern if something is suitable for our consumption.

Lets be honest, human genitalia is not the most appealing thing to look at but a quick sniff and visual check for possible brie-like residual smeg and a quick flick for resonance should be enough to gauge whether or not its worth putting your laughing tackle anywhere near it.

Still, in the throes of passion or a drunken state sometimes the need to fulfil base desires sees all semblance of dietary discretion go out of the window.

As always, buyer beware.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Untappd Tapped

Note – All artwork in this post is in the public domain and as such used under fair use in the piece.

Note 2 – apologies for the formatting, it just won’t sort itself out.

It is worth pointing out in advance that this post may contain a…

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It has been a strange few hours in the world of the gamification of drinking beer, especially if you are on Untappd.

In the endless drive for equality among the sexes, the people behind the site have listened to feedback and change a couple of badges:

What was “Brewnettes have more fun”

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Is now “Bravo for Brown”

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Likewise “Blondes do it Better”

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Has changed to “Fields of Gold” – which should immediately cause offence to those who hate the musician known as Sting.

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But these aren’t the only badges that are offensive and I will detail some of those that still exist “for fun” for which Untappd should consider a rename and/or redesign.

The “Heavyweight” badge is offensive to fat people.

Heavy Weight

 

 

 

 

 

Next are the following badges with apply a male gender to what should be an androgynous beer bottle:


bdg_AltBier_lgbdg_saison_lgbdg_ConcertVenue_lg lagerjack


 

 

 

 

The presence of men in these badges

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Next up are the most offensive of cultural appropriations

bdg_CincoDeMayo2014_lg bdg_italy_lg Rising Sun

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The Matador badge, which is not only cultural appropriation but also promotes a bloodsport

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The Flamenco badge, more cultural appropriation along with pushing gender stereotypes while enforcing the view that women dance for the pleasure of men.

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The “Hey Honey” badge, which promotes unwanted advances against women.

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The “Iron Man” badge, no representation of women at all.
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“I’ll Be Bock” which is offensive to all cybernetic organisms with neural net processors that have the capability to learn, become more human and strive to help prevent Judgement Day.

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This is not an exhaustive list and much like Pumpclip Parade it can only be changed for the better by people seeking out badges that are likely to cause offence of any kind and shame the makers into making their site and app a more inclusive and sensitive experience.

 

Thanks for reading.

Smile…CAMRA is being Candid

In a flu ridden state I am quickly writing this.  Having observed all week chatter of what CAMRA was planning, really you should think, as a member, I would have known about this in advance.

Last December I wrote a piece suggesting that CAMRA may well evolve (it is there, in between the ranty stuff).

Reports of the death of CAMRA are greatly exaggerated but they haven’t helped themselves with self-published articles like this

Of course that is the idea; to get people talking that the biggest consumer group may be coming to an end based on some article that has that pissant question/non-question title.

If CAMRA move from solely being about real ale and instead are revitalising their campaign then the shift of focus does mean the acronym is not correct, but that is mere pedantry.

The organisation I’m a part of has been changing over the years anyway, with the dawn of the Asset of Community value, pubs are trying to be saved and so when the BBC writes “Should there be a crusade to save British pubs?” (oh look, there is that twatty question mark again), the answer is that there already is.

You also get poorly researched articles like this (oh look another question mark) – but that is the standard of random journalism about beer these days – take a hand full of clichés, sling in a few names of breweries, add the word beard and suddenly you too can become a freelance journalist with little knowledge of any subject to back anything up, but the pay check is in the hand so who cares, modern paid journalism isn’t about getting across facts any more, it is about clickbaiting.

Anyway, as far as I am concerned that gap between “old” and “new” beer drinkers is still a bridge too far and something that CAMRA isn’t going to build on its own, especially when it comes to saving pubs.

*Insert relevant Hilaire Belloc quote here*

People who deal only in “craft” beer do not care about some dirty old pub and the dirty old people who are in it and the dirty old community that it holds together.

I’m still of the opinion that most are following a scene.  A scene that is still not inspiring people to go out and drink, as on the whole the entire “night-life” industry in on a downward spiral.

The nature of drinking, in the home or on the town, is changing.  People don’t go to the same places and are unlikely to be coaxed back into them.  It is all about trend and maybe in that respect CAMRA and pubs should consider themselves to be like heavy metal.

There are off-shoots and little cliques that raise the profile once in a while but once these are spun off there is always a faithful core that remains, always open and welcoming to both the original purpose and future evolution.

It won’t ever go out of fashion because it has never been in fashion.

 

Thanks for reading?