Today in Craft Beer Wut – The Capitalist Communist

My “I’m not on twitter but still read specific twitter feeds every so often” (mainly actual brewers, for information without the white noise) does really pick up around now as its Manchester Beer Week and while I currently pen a response to the “”Diversity” Manifesto” I stumbled across this thread of tweets from Liverpool’s Mad Hatter Brewing, which could indicate that someone is ingesting mercury somewhere amongst their food and beverage intake.

In a thread of 22 tweets it starts off sensibly and logical…

Paints a good background of a fledging brewery starting up mixed in with real world situations (kids, bills, housing, etc.)

Then, halfway through it starts to go off a bit…

Wut?

Is this worse than the nightmare of cake?*

What. The. Fuck?

Ah…

Are we taking the piss now?  Is this a parody?

I hope you paid for the microphone you just dropped.

I hear Venezuela is a nice place to open a brewery, good socialist and communist principles over there.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

*Its a Brass Eye reference

 

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The Whining Cunt Song

*Rock that riff hard on F-Sharp*

 

Ah, ahhhhhhhh ah.

No…..C……O…….Twooooooo ooooo

 

We come from the land of the weed and blow,
Our red star logo makes beer twitter tears flow.

Hammer of the gods will drive our deals to new hands.
To fight the hordes, in Tottenham Hale.
Beavertown, I am coming.

Always scheming, buying craft breweries.
Our only goal will be the largest market share.

 

Ah, ahhhhhhhh ah.

Cam….a….ra…….aaaa

 

We come to the lands of the beards that grow,
Where food and beer matching makes stupids money flow.

How soft your breweries so green. Can whisper tales of smooth pour.
Of how we calmed the blogs that bore. We are your overlords.

Always seeing, we’ll soon buy more,
Our next goal will probably be FourPure.

So now you’d better stop and rebuild all your morals.
For success and investment can win the day despite of all your losing.

 

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh
Salty. Tears.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

P.S. Article 13 (and 11) of the EU Copyright Directive have passed the initial reading and will be voted on either later in the year or early 2019.  This would effectively make this piece, in fact most of this blog and many other blogs, subject to deletion.  Please contact your MEP (see link) to stop this from being enacted.

P.P.S. I didn’t really need to alter the lyrics that much, the originals actually sum up the whining of the crafterati and the general haughtiness of those that are part of the bubble.

Stairway to Heineken

*Not to be performed in guitar shops*

There’s a Logan who’s not sure if all that glitters is gold
Is he buying a stairway to Heineken?
If he does then he knows, all Brewdog bars are all closed
Maybe investment from private equity is what he should go for.
Ooh, ooh, is he buying a stairway to Heineken?

There’s a sign on the wall saying punk, but are you sure?
But craft deals in absolute and not duality of meanings.
In a Fevertree by the brook, there’s a neckbeard who sings,
Some day all beer will be subject to minimum unit pricing.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There’s a feeling I get when I look to the bar,
And my autistic spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke in the breeze,
But a 2007 ban makes those stand outside.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it’s bellowed that soon, if we all sing the same tune,
Then the Peter will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the cellars will echo with Kegstar.

*Enter Drums*

If there’s a bushel in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a spring clean, please ring CaskWatch.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
It’s either cask or keg and that’s it.

And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know,
The CAMRA’s calling you to join them,
Boak Bailey, they can you hear the wind blow, but did you know?
Your blogs are really just all hot wind.

*5th best guitar solo ever*

And as we drink on down the road
Did we all just really sell our souls?
There walks a lady we all know
Who fights beer sexism and wants to show
Adverts disguised as journalism turn to gold.
But no one listens very hard
The tune will one day all be lost.
When it’s just beer and that is all
Your hand is dealt, now just call fold.

Is he buying a stairway to Heineken?