Samuel Smiths – What a Fucking Rotter

I was late to getting the news that Samuel Smith’s brewery has issued a decree across its entire estate of pubs that anyone found to be swearing should be turned out of the premises, whether they will be barred seems to be up for debate but seeing as ever news piece I’ve read on this links to another article, which links to another and another and another, it is pretty hard to guess what the exact truth of the matter is.

I’ve read precisely one blog on this, saw a few comments on the #hopinions thread that Beer O’Clock run every Sunday

 

 

and I saw CAMRA’s response to the news

 

On this matter I don’t particularly care in one instance; if a private business wishes to enact its own policies about what is “good behaviour” then by all means go ahead.  People cheer when the private companies that are Facebook and Twitter remove members that are abusive (within their own definition of what abuse actually is) but heaven forbid a private company should refuse to, for example, make a cake saying something they disagree with, oh no.

It is rather odd that Sam Smiths has chosen to focus purely on swearing, I can only assume that they are OK with someone in their establishments saying nigger or faggot so long as there isn’t a four-letter word in amongst said possible drunken diatribe but what constitutes a private conversation in a public place?

Then again the current state of the world is pitted against itself in what exactly is and isn’t a “bad idea” what is and isn’t “hate speech” and more pertinently, what is or isn’t “offensive.”

Within the beer bubble itself there are points of view on certain subjects (for example pump clips) that go against the new orthodoxy and while all these little games and battle of wills are being played out, governments world wide are monitoring and recording their citizens communications under the pretence of security and protection.

 

The last thing anyone needs to be protected from is words, rude or not.

 

Thanks for reading

 

On a separate note, here is why some people actively boycott drinking Sam Smiths beers and so for some a swearing ban is neither here nor there…

 

Prequel: If Beer Was…

If Brewdog Was…

They Live

This past weekend, a reincarnated ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper took a trip up to Aberdeen, Scotland.

 

 

On the way there he was given some sunglasses which caused strange things to be seen when he tried them on…

 

 

 

He then found his way to a meeting of, well he didn’t know what to make of it…

 

 

 

He snapped at the gathering…

 

 

The more loyal members of the fan club became enraged and went on the attack…

 

And sadly Roddy and his morals were no more…

The moral of the story is, you never know what you are buying in to…

…or who you are drinking a beer with…

 

Thanks for reading…

 

 

 

 

?

Bière Clos

Subtitle: Blogger who says people take beer too seriously writes piece with reference to French existential philosophy.

Actually, I was going to write a few observational bits and pieces about beer based on the translations of the title of the play Huis Clos but I can’t be bothered, I’d only be repeating myself and every other beer blog so I’ll just let the titles speak for themselves (so much for research). You Figure It Out.

No Exit (No Entry)

In Camera

Vicious Circle

Behind Closed Doors

Dead End

 

Hell is other hobbyists.

 

Oh well, let’s continue…

 

Thanks for reading.

Today in “What? Craft Beer is a Business?”

For the 1st of March 2017…

Brewer offers lots of money for Sales Rep

– probably getting paid more than most brewers out there

Distribution Company that once tried to sue craft brewer buys controlling interest in craft brewery

Halewood extends into beer with Hawkshead Brewery deal

 

Punk Brewing Gods issue Cease and Desist to Pub

Heineken Trolls Craft Beer with their own words

– while also buying loads of UK pubs to annoy everyone else in the beer world.

c51yl-swyaef1ok-jpg-large

Part 2: If Beer Was…

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

 

Bill the beer communicator starts the hysteria even though he too is getting jaded but its OK because the adoring crowd only hear what they want to…

 

Who can take a mango
Add it to a brew
Mix in some more chocolate
and pray for a miracle or two?
The brewery man can
 candyman
Who can take some fruit pulp
Making beer drinkers sigh
Under carb it too
and make a lemon meringue pie?
The brewery man
The brewery man can
The brewery man can cause he mixes it with lactose and makes beer taste a dud
And the beer doesn’t taste like beer cause the brewery man doesn’t think it should

 

After a while the lucky few are led into a magical world of beer production and can’t believe some of the shenanigans that take place but they are enthralled, even hypnotised…

1inlzl

Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of pure Humulonation.
Take a look and you’ll see into your imagination

We’ll begin, with a spin
Travelling in a world of intrepid beer creation
What we’ll see will defy taste explanation

We don’t really brew beer right
We just throw some shoes into it

Grapefruit juice, passion fruit
Our new DIPA
Taste like raw sewage

1inmam

 

Then some odd looking beings appear and begin to sing words of warning, little attention is paid to them…
lookofit

 

Oompa Loompa dump in some glue
I’ve got another beer for you
Omni Pollo get in the fucking sea
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
What do you get from a glut of fad brews?
A massive beer gut and bad Untappd reviews
Why don’t you try simply drinking a mild?
Or would you just run hide?
F.O.M.O.
F.O.M.O.
F.O.M.O.
F.O.M.O.
Just throw in more Dextrose
dextrose

 

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you vary your drinking you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Old blokes
In a pub do

 

By now those that remain wish are getting a bit narked, they were expecting one off launches, the hype wasn’t paying off, one poor minion snaps…
verucatantrum
No, now!!
I want a brew tap
I want a party
Craft beer bottle hauls and a million food stalls
And performing for the lols and …
Give it to me

Now!

I want the latest
I want the real scope
I’ve got the fear
It’s my freelance career
Give it to me
Now!

verucanow

 

Willy Wonka knows how volatile the brewery industry can be, he laments the trouble that is possible ahead…
There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction beer is going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the market’s flowing
wwchicken
Is it raining, is it snowing
Is it Willamete or Goldings?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the heavy murk is growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the Galena reaper mowing
Yes, the danger must be growing
My hop contract is surely slowing
But they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that business is growing

 

Then, only a few could reach maximum velocity and so the rest were cut to pieces trying to get through the great glass ceiling.

 

wonka

 

 

Thanks for reading.

I Don’t Read Your Blog

As I grew up, grew my hair, taught myself guitar and dreamt about being in a famous band, I had one rather odd music-related foible.

This quirk was that I refused to listen to any Led Zeppelin. Sure I knew some of their more famous songs but I staunchly refused to listen to anything else and in my burgeoning LP and CD collection of rock and heavy metal any other fan of those genres would cast their eye over them and ponder why the obvious gap under “L”.

It was quite simple in my young mind, I was tired of reading reviews of bands I liked where every journalist writing the piece would describe certain songs as Zeppelin-esque.  In my mind, if my songs became popular and some reviewed them with that lazy hack term I would be able to turn around and say “no, a-ha, I never listened to Zeppelin therefore what I’ve produced is my own work, without any direct influence from the band you mention.  I am brilliant and original.”

Then at 18, looking through a second hand shop’s wares I found a double-CD set of Zeppelin’s greatest hits for £7 – I’d spited my own ears for long enough and besides journalists will write what they want anyway.

If you look to the right of this piece you’ll see my blogroll of some blogs I like.

The frequency that these blogs are updated varies wildly and some are archival bits of useful info more than up-to-date musings.

Some of the authors I follow on twitter and am therefore more likely to know when they’ve published a new piece, though sometimes timings are out and I’m sometimes only made aware by someone else’s retweet.

Truth be told there are about 5 blogs on that list I actually make a point of reading, or at least click on once a week to check for updates.

Those blogs aren’t necessarily better, more entertaining or more knowledgeable than the others on the list (and the many others out there) they just appeal to me more.  But every time I read a new piece I always hope they aren’t going to cover the same(ish) ground of a blog I’ve been working on.

Granted blogs (and vlogs and podcasts) are all about having a larger conversation, about exchanging ideas and usually responding to something you may fundamentally disagree with but there is a hell of a lot of white noise out there.  This blog is far from anything resembling good but it is at least mine.

My problem is I’ve listened to far too many podcasts and read far too many new blogs whose style seem to follow a pattern based on those who are perceived to be leaders in the field.

They are cold, banal and trite.  Cookie-cutter fodder, following the formulae laid out as when one Led Zeppelin becomes successful there are then another dozen copycats riffing in their footsteps.

It dilutes the well while also elevating mediocrity to unnecessarily high levels and this then impacts on everyone’s ability to read, write and critique with any effective objectivity and impartiality.

Write, blog and talk from your heart and head.  Not from you wallet.

Thanks for reading.

Golden Pints 2016

Golden-Pints-Logo

cyq3m8axeaaumu4-jpg-large

This is my entry into the Golden Pints of 2016, also known as the “bloggers just make up awards for specific things they wish to heap praise on, generally done by their mates.”

Also also known as “beer bloggers try, generally in vain, to make a blog that isn’t about themselves”

Best UK Cask Beer – This and the keg beer were more or less going to be the same as last year, that was until last weekend’s brewery taps happened.  As it stands the same to breweries get the awards, only swapped around and with different beers. Viva la Change.  Wee Beastie by Beer Nouveau gets my vote

Best UK Keg Beer – Evil Keg Filth award goes to – Triple Cone by Track Brew Co. which narrowly beats out Damage Plan by Marble Beers.

Best UK Bottle or Can – Bottle goes to Three’s Company by Magic Rock, CloudWater and JW Lees yeast.  Can goes to Weightless by RedWillow Brewery.

Best Overseas Draught – Anything by Weird Beard Brew Co. of that there London.

Best Overseas Bottled or Canned Beer – Anything by Kernel Brewery of that there London.

Best Collaboration Brew – Hmmm, I’ll go with Five Towns Brewery and the Beauty and the Beast made in collaboration with Beers Manchester…and me…(again I’d like to thank the academy, my mum and dad…)

Best Twitter CollaborationThe conversation and knowledge exchanges between @CheshireBrewShane and @tabamatu (Andy Parker)(of Elusive) are a pleasure to watch.  In fact most things involving Shane on twitter are always interesting.

Best Overall Beer – Old Ale by Marble – had this in February on bloody gravity cask and it still stays stuck in my head.

Best Branding, Pumpclip or Label – Marble and their metal series

Best UK Brewery – I can’t decide, its been quite a close and competitive year.

Best Overseas Brewery –  Anheuser-Busch InBev – come on, they’ll soon own everything, some of it will be good.

Best New Brewery Opening 2016 – Elusive Brewing

Pub/Bar of the Year – I still won’t be drawn on, there are too many good ones.

Beer Festival of the Year – Easily Salford Beer Festival  and if you missed out then…well, hope springs eternal.  Not enough praise can be heaped on @BeersManchester for the effort he put(s) in.

Supermarket of the Year –Still don’t use supermarkets for beer shopping.

Independent Retailer of the YearBargain Booze in Davenport operates as a franchise and they get in some great local and further afield UK beers at good prices.  I was going to finally spill as to who and where my mystery beer shop is but to be fair their customer service is massively lacking so in lieu of that and if Bargain Booze isn’t independent enough then I’ll go with Heaton Hops.

Online Retailer of the Year – Not shopped online for beer in 2016.

Best Beer Book or Magazine – Meh

Best Beer Blog or Website – I would like to put forward a fair few here.

@MarkNJohnson for his BeerCumonmyfaceyoupleb blog for consistency on and about and a wide variety of subjects.

@oldmudgie for The Pub Curmudgeon for his clear pieces about the health fascists out there.

In a more classical beer blog sense I’ll dual nominate @StymieSi (British Real Ale Pub Adventure) and @NHS_Martin (Retired Martin) for their fantastic work on visiting and writing about pubs.

Best Beer Blog Piece – https://beersmanchester.wordpress.com/2016/10/25/the-independent-salford-beer-festival-2016-the-other-side-of-the-coin/

Best Beer AppTwitter. Untappd for badgewanking.

Best Beer & Food Pairing – Just visit any Manchester brewery tap, one that especially has involvement by @GRUBMCR on the food side of things and you’ll find something.  I’ve found many, too numerous to mention.

Simon Johnson Award for Best Beer Twitterer – @CraftBeerHour – granted it’s a collective effort but I can think of nothing better than bouncing ideas of fellow beer drinkers and brewers, well apart from going to the pub with the same group, which would be financially crippling.

Best Brewery Website/Social mediaSquawk Brewing Co (@SQUAWKBrewingCo) – you like beer, food, wild animals and 80’s cheese then this is just pure entertainment.

Golden Shites 2016 – Beer not being beer. Mango Lassi, Lemon Meringue Cream Pie – FUCK OFF.

Apologies for lack of hot-linking to the winners, this will be rectified when I get my old computer back.

Thanks for reading.

Roll on 2017